Parodynth!
by Montelimarie
Summary: A nice little tale from a girl with the deadly combination of caffeine and Microsoft Word. Basically a spoof of the movie.
1. Clocktower, bad dubbing, Bowie in tights

**I don't own any of this stuff. I don't own Sarah, I don't own Hoggle, and I don't own Jareth. Though I'd like to own Jareth. I'd like to fluff his fountain-fro-mullet every night and iron his tights. He's one sexy Goblin King, that man.**

**Oh, and just as a little sidenote, I don't want any 'Why do you hate Labyrinth, biatch? It's a great movie!' comments. Labyrinth is my all-time favorite movie, I've seen it billions of times, I'm probably watching it when I write some of these lines. I just like writing spoofs on things I love, just to show I'm a good sport.**

_

* * *

_

_Once upon a time, there was an incredibly spoiled little brat girl who was very pretty, had a nice white dress, and still couldn't stop complaining about her 'horrible' life. But she's the main character, so we're forced to like her or else it's just not worth watching the movie, or reading this, so let's all get over it and continue with the tale. Well, her dog was sitting across from her, staring at her like the insanoid spoiled brat she was, and she was spouting lovey-dovey lines that I've opted to replace in this scene with a more parody-worthy monologue._

Sarah: Through lots and lots of seriously bad shiznat, I've come to take the kid you've like, stolen or something. I am pretty, I am woman, hear me roar. You… You… Snap doggety, I've forgotten the line again!

Dog: It's six frickin' words, you little twerp.

Sarah: Oh, shut up. You'd forget the lines too, if you had all the horrible things going on in your life that I do in mine.

(_A clocktower chimes. It seems really out of place in some made up American town, but so does a girl spouting love lines to a dog, so let's swing with it._)

Sarah: Damn, it's seven. Let's go, doggy! I've got adventures to have and babies to get kidnapped!

Dog: Can't I have a quick chase after that owl up there?

Sarah: No, we need that owl later on in the plot. It's called foreshadowing!

Dog: 'Kaybark.

(_They start to run, and it starts to rain. This running-raining sequence is further enhanced by some wonderful eighties pop beats. Everyone dance along!_)

Stepmother: Where _have _you _beeeen_?

Sarah: Saying lovey-dovey stuff to my dog, who is apparently my only friend. I am a sad, pretty girl. Pity me.

Stepmother: I shall not! Observe my badly dubbed audio-visual, as I am an English actor and they ran over my lines with an American voice to make things more 'realistic'.

Sarah: Why didn't they fix the clocktower?

Stepmother: 'Cause then there wouldn't be wonderful bongs to signal the running-raining-eighties music sequence. You little brat.

Sarah: Oh, of course.

Stepmother: And, by the way, I'm taking your father out to worship Satan. We'll be back before you know it.

Sarah: Will you give me time to have a seriously realistic fantasy?

Stepmother: No. You have to watch your brother and make sure he doesn't get turned into a goblin.

Sarah: Oh! You never understand me! Angst! Angst!

Stepmother (to father): I'm selling your daughter's soul on eBay when we get back.

* * *

(_Sarah enters her room and realizes that her teddy bear is missing. With an incredibly spoiled-brat squeal, she runs into her brother's room and finds the bear on the floor next to her brother's crib.)_

Sarah: Le gasp! My dearly beloved Lancelot! The least you could do is not throw it on the floor, you little peppermint.

Toby: (gurgle)

Sarah: Why do they all mess with my stuff? Don't they realize that I've got a tragic case of Peter Pan complex, and I'm emotionally attached to my childhood despite my great, womanly figure and rouged cheeks?

Toby: Wtf? Rouge? What are you, in the 1930's?

Sarah: I hate you!

Toby: (starts crying)

Sarah: Shut up! Shutupshutup! You're giving me a migraine! Fine, I'll put on this really ugly hat that more resembles a tea cozy, and tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was an incredibly spoiled little brat girl who was very pretty, had a nice white dress, and still couldn't stop complaining about her 'horrible' life... Oh, that's the intro to this parody. Let's start again.

Goblin 1: Hey, anyone got some beer?

Goblin 2: Sh! We're listening to the story!

Goblin 3: Dude, where are we, in a closet or something?

Goblin 1: (insert random 'in the closet'-related gay joke here)

Toby: WAH! WAH!

Sarah: My story skills are below par without my dog to emote to. I'll just wish the goblins will take you away, right now.

Toby: h'osnap.

(_The lights go out, Toby stops crying, lightning flashes, the window flies open and Jareth enters dramatically_)

Jareth: Tada!

Sarah: Hot damn, David Bowie's in my house! Wearing tights!

Jareth: No, you little twit, I'm the Goblin King. Notice the fountain-like blond mullet, the snazzy entrance, and the leather and feather fetish?

Sarah: I thought the mullet deal died with Aladdin Sane?

Jareth: I'm not frickin' David Bowie, you little rouged tart! Oh, geez. Let's just move on, shall we?

Sarah: 'Kay.

Jareth: Hey, you like snakes? (throws snake)

Sarah: Eeek!

Jareth: What about crystal balls? I got afabulous one right here. (Takes out a crystal ball and does some fancy hand balancing tricks)

Sarah: Ooooh, preeetty.

Jareth: You know, these balls will show you all sorts of trippy things.

Sarah: (gigglesnort) You said balls.

Jareth: (rolls his eyes) That's it, I'm leaving. I don't need this crap you know, I'm the bloody king of the bloody Goblins. I've got places to be, people to torment! Why am I making genitalia jokes with a bratty little girl?

Sarah: No, no! Really, I have to get my brother back. I have this odd gut feeling that my stepmother's gonna sell my soul on eBay.

Jareth: Oh, fine. Please follow the pants to this here magical plateau.

(_They're suddenly on a high hill, with lots of dust and a red sky that isn't red at any other time in the movie. I suppose it was an artistic shot or something.)_

Sarah: Oooh, this is nice. A little condo, a few palm trees, and you've got yourself a dandy resort. And such a great veiw of the maze backdrop, too!

Jareth: It's not a maze! It's a labyrinth. Mazes are made with hedges, labyrinths are made with stone. Didn't you learn anything from that stupid book of yours?

Sarah: I only like reading the lovey-dovey stuff to my dog. The rest doesn't really interest me. It's all about this girl who has to go through this Labyrinth to save something or another, and it tells about all the ways to get through it and all the secret passageways and answers to all the riddles and whatnot. I mean, when is that ever going to come in handy?

Jareth: Mwahaha.

Sarah: ...Did you just laugh maniacally?

Jareth: No! ...Whatever. You've got thirteen hours to save the kid, or I'm keeping him here and raising him to do hard labor and make more feathery, leathery capes and tight pants. Forever..ever...ever...vr.. (fade)

Sarah: The fading thing was a bit dramatic, dontcha think?

* * *

**More chapters _are_ going to be up, so don't worry. I have to finish the entire movie, don't I:)**


	2. Lots and lots of glitter!

**In case anyone happened to forget from the last time, I just have to disclaim all the characters and concepts and whatever, for fear of getting sued. Which really doesn't make sense because, I mean, is Jim Henson reading this from beyond the grave or something? I think not. Oh well, policies are policies. Carry on.**

**By the way, if I don't get more comments, I'll probably stop writing this. I just crave attention, after all.**

**

* * *

**

(_Sarah is now in front of the Labyrinth. Yey._)

Hoggle: (tinkle tinkle) La la la, peein' in a pond.

Sarah: Excuse me, grotesquely ugly gnome, how do I get into that there tricky maze?

Hoggle: Dunno. (zips up his pants and picks up a strange squirt bottle, with which he shoots a fairie that happens to be flying by) Lalala, shootin' magical beasties.

Sarah: Le gasp! Why are you doing that, O Ugly One?

Hoggle: (shoots another fairie) Dunno.

Sarah: (runs to the aid of fairie, and is promptly bitten) &#$! That hurt you little... you little... Damn, I can't think of a slanderous term, for I am but an innocent child in the body of an incredibly overdeveloped fourteen-year-old. Oh, well... (stomps on fallen fairie)

Hoggle: Well, I could've told you they'd bite. You're not a bright one, are you?

Sarah: ...I wished away my brother on accident and now I've got to befriend every beastie I meet in this place, or else I might get eaten, killed, pulverized, dismembered, or tossed into a smelly pit O' doom.

Hoggle: 'Nuff said.

Sarah: Ugly One, how do I get into this labyrinth, so that I may save my dreaded baby brother from hard labor, though it is my fault that he's in there in the first place, because I can't keep my wonderously lipsticked mouth shut?

Hoggle: My name is Hoggle, you half wit.

Sarah: I don't care. I'll get it wrong for half the movie anyways.

Hoggle: Oh, whatever. Go through the gate, turn left, and continue straight down until you meet a cockney worm.

(_gate mysteriously opens, spouting out lots of mysterious smoke and only half-mysterious glitter. Glitter is never that mysterious, after all. And you'll be seeing a lot of it in this place, believe me._)

Sarah: kthnxbye!

(_Sarah goes into the labyrinth and is instantly blinded by the glare of five tons of glitter. I so totally told you so. Lots and lots of glitter._)

Sarah: Oh, this just bites. Not fair! How am I supposed to run around hopelessly when there aren't any turns?

Labyrinth: You're taking me for granted, you little hussy.

Sarah: What the hell does that even _mean_? And why are you so rude?

Labyrinth: You think _I'm_ rude? Just wait until you meet up with the rest of the gropey characters in this place.

_(Sarah starts running, thus cues the action-adventure music.)_

Sarah: Curse this particularly well-drawn and highly realistic backdrop that makes what is in actuality a thirty-foot corridor seem like it goes on forever! (slides down wall and nearly squashes some moss with eyes)

Eye-moss: BLOODY HELL, IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE!

Sarah: What the..?

Cockney Worm: 'Allo, 'owd you loike ta meet tha missus?

Sarah: Oh. Did you just scream about the end of the world?

Worm: ...No. I just said "'Allo 'owd you loike ta meet tha missus?"

Sarah: In that case, I'm sorry, I don't have any time. I have to save my baby brother from hard labor and sewing feathers and leather capes for the magnificently hot Goblin King.

Worm: Wot? Ya don't think I'm good enough for ya company? Well, piss off, then, ya bloody tart!

Sarah: 'Kay. Let me go through this really spiffy trick wall then turn in the completely opposite direction of where I'm supposed to be going, thus wasting lots of time and providing Jareth with many ideas with which to kill me.

Worm: Have fun!

_(Sarah wanders into a very desolate section of the labyrinth)_

Sarah: Why do I suddenly feel like whistling the 'Good, Bad. and the Ugly' theme?

_(Sarah is sidetracked by the sound of a baby crying, which miraculously travels over what has to be at least a mile, through many feet of solid stone, and a few hedges)_

Sarah: Egads!

* * *

_(David B- er, Jareth, and his gang of goblins are hanging out in a totally pimptastic room, equiped with pillows, kegs, and chickens. Note to PETA: _No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Unless you count the chickens we killed for lunch when money got tight.) 

Jareth: Guess what, everybody?

Goblins: What?

Jareth: It's time for a fabulous little song and dance number! Yaaay!

(_Song and dance number. Wooo. Fastforward, 'cause I really don't have a funny eay to describe David Bowie, wearing tights, and dancing with over fifteen muppet-goblins. You'd just have to watch the movie for that one, girlfriend.)_

Jareth: Now let's toss the baby up into the air with no care for its safety!

Baby: Eh?

Jareth: (Toss)

Baby: Deargod!

Goblin: Er.. It's not coming down.

Jareth: Oh, give it time. It'll be down in a bit.

Goblins and Jareth: ...(Jeopardy themesong)

Goblins: You wanna go for some cake or something?

Jareth: Nah, I have a hankerin' for some pie.

Goblins: Pie's good.

(_everyone turns and starts walking out the door)_

Baby: (splat)

Jareth: (still walking out the door) Cleanup on aisle five!

* * *

Sarah: I think I'll mark these stones so I don't get totally lost. 

Gremlin thingy: I think I'll turn these stones so that your marks get you totally lost.

Sarah: Not fair!

Guard Blue-1: Hey, 'nother talking puppet here!

Guard Red-2: I think Jim Henson rather we'd be called 'muppets'.

Guard Red-1: Oh, who gives a damn? Bottom line, we're not real, and there are dudes with wires and electronics controlling our every move.

Guard Blue-2: How depressing.

Sarah: Hey, are you two.. er.. four.. quite finished?

Guard Blue-1: Yeah, sure, whaddaya need?

Sarah: I need to get to the castle over yonder. You know, the one with the odd music and the smell of apple pie filtering from it?

Guard Red-2: Sure, we can get you there... Just guess which one of us is the right one.

Sarah: (Spouts some impossible logic that I'd rather not repeat, but seeing how it's wrong, it doesn't really matter anyways, now does it?)

Guards: ...(explode)

Sarah: Yay! (skips through doorway and is groped by lots of hands that seem to be suffering from gangrene or something) Ew! I'm underage, you freaks!

Hands: Damn. (drops Sarah)

* * *

Sarah: (Falls on her ass in a dimly lit little hole in the ground) 

Hoggle: Nice of you to drop in.

(_Critics everywhere groan in agony at the horrible, horrible cliche line_.)

Sarah: Good god, there's enough glitter in this place to supply an army of drag queens!

Hoggle: It adds a certain fenesse.

Sarah: ...Whatever. Hey, I'll give you this utterly useless piece of trashy plastic costume jewelry if you lead me through the labyrinth and promise not to scheme to get me all turned around out of fear that Jareth will throw you into a farty bog.

Hoggle: Sweet! Deal!

* * *

**End of chapter two. Hope you all send lots of comments, then share with your friends so that they can comment, then add to your favorites so that strangers can come along and comment. As stated before; I crave attention.**


	3. Is Jareth really prettier?

**I'm terribly sorry for the long wait between updates. I got really lazy over my Spring Break and it wasn't until I got a few new comments on _Parodynth!_ that I felt guilty enough to get off my proverbial ass and work on it some more.**

**Also note that there were probably some better jokes in this, but I couldn't read my handwriting (I write out the gist of every chapter before fixing it up in Word) so they were lost. Oh well. Such is life... or something. Another note; this is a very short chapter. I must have gotten sidetracked or something and didn't finish writing my gist-story, and it stopped here. I didn't want to wait any longer for the chapter so, rather than watching the movie and continuing it all, I just made a really short chapter. Don't worry, though, I'll probably get the next one up faster than this one... I hope. You never really know with me. I'm quite the procrastinator.**

* * *

(_Sarah and Hoggle are traveling through a bunch of talking stone heads, passing – what else? About five tons of glitter._)

Hoggle: This way, please. Ignore the talking tiki heads.

Talking Tiki Heads: (Opens mouth and a waterfall of glitter falls out) Eurch! Blegh fleh teh rrng aul!

Sarah: Er… They're saying it's the wrong way.

Hoggle: Oh, they're just born liars.

Tiki: (spits out all the glitter) No we're not! We're not born at all – we were _made_.

Hoggle: Oh, details, details.

Tiki: Hey, girlie, I suggest you dump this ugly gnome thing and find yourself a big hairy beast to hang around with.

Sarah: Hmm….

Hoggle: Er... Er - Oh looky, a crystal ball!

(_Crystal mysteriously rolls down the corridor._)

Sarah: That's one of Jareth's balls.

(_Jareth appears, looking as spectacular as ever._)

Jareth: Not that bloody joke again! It's bad enough you people make fun of my fountain mullet, I don't need to hear stuff about my "crystal balls" all the time as well.

Sarah: Hey, did you get a costume change?

Jareth: …Maybe since the last _you_ saw me, yes.

Sarah: What the hell! Why don't _I_ get a costume change? I'm pretty!

Jareth: I'm prettier.

Sarah: Unlikely.

Jareth: I don't like your tone, missy. I am _so_ sending a giant potato shredder after you.

_(Jareth disappears and a giant potato shredder, which looks particularly frightening for a children's film, starts coming after Sarah and Hoggle.)_

Sarah: Gasp!

Hoggle: Flee!

(_…they flee._)

* * *

(_Sarah and Hoggle are fleeing through a long corridor, being chased by a giant potato shredder._) 

Sarah: Hurry, let's push against this randomly selected section of wall in hopes that it's actually a trick door that leads to a branching compartment of the corridor!

(_Sarah pushes against the walls and falls through._)

Hoggle: Wow. That was lucky.

Sarah: Those Cleaner dudes sure don't clean very well... they're sending dust and glitter and broken lighting fixtures all over the place.

* * *

(_Sarah and Hoggle climb up from below, appearing in what looks to be one of those ugly pots that sit in the lobby of some hotels._) 

Sarah: Hey, this doesn't look like you took me very far.

Hoggle: No, really, despite living here my entire life, I don't actually know the way to the castle. Weird, huh?

Sarah: ...yeah. Weird.

Hoggle: So.. like.. go now.

Sarah: You know what? I don't believe you, so I'm going mug ya'ass. (_Swipes loot._)

Hoggle: No! My preciousssssss!

Sarah: Nyah-nyah. (Dangles bag of jewels over head.)

Hoggle: Hey, bizznatch, don't taunt a little person! It's not politically correct!

Sarah: Politics are for losers. And ugly people. _I'm_ pretty.

Wiseman: Pfft. I'll be the judge of that.

Sarah: Wtf? Who are you?

Wiseman: The Wiseman. And this is my hat.

Hat: 'Sup?

Wiseman: So, hat, is she pretty or not?

Hat: (wolf whistles) She's a'ight. But Jareth's prettier.

Sarah: The Labyrinth was right- there _are_ a bunch of perverts here.

Wiseman: Hey, you're the one making balls jokes.

Sarah: ...Hey, if I give you this shiny stuff, will you pretend this never happened?

Hoggle: (Launches himself onto Sarah's arm) MY PRECIOUSSSSS!

Sarah: (Pushes Hoggle out of the way) Shove it, Hoggamuffin- I need to make a deal here. (Turns back to the Wiseman) So. What of it?

Wiseman: ...'kay.

Sarah: (Skips off happily.)

Hat: ..Chump.

* * *

(_Sarah is dragging the sobbing Hoggle through all the wonderful hedges, when she hears the snarling and growling of some unmentional beast._) 

Hoggle: I want nothing to do with this. (Runs away.)

Sarah: He's buggered off!

Random talking inatimate object: So he has! He's scarpered!

(_Monty Python fans everywhere laugh. I hope._)

Ludo: Egads! The blood is rushing to my head!

Sarah: I'll save you, O Large and Furry One! Despite your extreme nature, I know from experience that large and vicious looking muppets generally tend to be incredibly nice and/or stupid.

Ludo: ...Let's go with that. Rrr.

Sarah: What the hell are they torturing you with?

Ludo: They look to be mutated aborted fetuses on a stick.

Sarah: 'kay.

(_Sarah uses mind tricks and master kung-fu skills to save Ludo... No, actually she just throws a rock. Pity, eh?_)

Sarah: Does anyone else notice the resemblance to Chewbaka?

* * *


	4. Jareth certainly thinks he's prettier

**Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry times five-billion for waiting a month (or three?) to get this put back up - especially since I'd promised in the third chapter that this would be up faster than the rest and it turned out to be the slowest update ever. Ironic, isn't it? I think it is.**

**The main reason for my lack of pep when it came to this story was pure laziness, but there were also a few pinches of "I don't feel like watching the DVD right now" as well as a dash of "Microsoft Word is broken and Open Office pisses me off". Don't fear, however – Microsoft word is fixed and I've got enough material for either two consecutive updates, or one really big update. It all depends on how I feel like doing it, and how horrible the 'balls' jokes will be.**

* * *

_Sarah and Ludo are in the middle of the snazzy hedgemaze, trying to figure out how to either get out of the hedgemaze or how to find Hoggle so that they could force him to get them out of th hedgemaze. Things aren't going very well. Thankfully, however, there isn't a speck of glitter in sight... Just you wait, my friends._

Sarah: Hey, do you happen to know how to get out of this place?

Ludo: Rr.. no.

Sarah: Geez, what good are you muppets anyways?

Ludo: ...I can make a creme brulee that's to die for.

Sarah: ..Moving on. Looky! More talking things that aren't generally supposed to talk!

Doorknocker 1: Yo.

Doorknocker 2: 'sup.

Sarah: Squee! Doors! Open up!

Doorknocker 2: You don't want to go in there.

Sarah: Why not?

Doorknocker 1: The set designer decided to toss all the extra glitter from the Talking Tiki Heads scene in there... It's like a Fairy Warzone or something.

Sarah: I don't care. I want in. Let me in!

Doorknocker 2: Fine. Don't say we didn't warn you.

_(Sarah opens the door and almost chokes to death on a cloud of glitter.)_

Ludo: Sucker.

* * *

_Jareth is busy hangin' out with his homies, eatin' pie and staring at Sarah through a magical orb (ha. Didn't use the word 'ball') of doom and giving off an air of stalkerishness. You can't combine tights, freaky hair, kidnapping, and spying on a fourteen-year-old girl and not come off a bit creepy._

Jareth: So glad we went out for pie rather than cake.

Goblin: Indeed.

* * *

_Meanwhile, Sarah has somehow managed to lose a ten-foot-tall furry yeti-beast in the Forest of Glittery Darkness._

Sarah: Even _I_ find it a tad ironic that I seem to lose everything I touch, yet I was still left to babysit my little brother.

* * *

_Looky! Another scene change! Are you people getting tired of these little line break things? 'Cause I am... Anywho, this scene is starring Hoggle with a little touch of Jareth. Enjoy._

Hoggle: My jeeeeeewwwweeelllssss! Egads! A freaky rock formation that looks like David Bowie!

Jareth: (to the rock formation) You're so pretty! No _you're _prettier! Oh, _I'm_ prettier? No-

Hoggle: Uh-hum...

Jareth: Damn. Er... (gets into frightening blackmail postition)

Hoggle: Want me to pretend I didn't see that?

Jareth: ...yes.

Hoggle: It'll cost ya.

Jareth: Fine, take this nutritious and delicious peach... It's laced with hallucinogens!

Hoggle: Woo. Part of your daily ballanced breakfast.

Jareth: Move along now.

Hoggle: I don't even like peaches.

Jareth: I know. Mwahahaha.

Hoggle: You've gotta stop doing that. You'll scare the children. I mean, it's bad enough you kidnap babies, wear tight pants, and stalk teenagers, but the maniacle laughter is just weird.

Jareth: It's my schtick.

Hoggle: That's another dirty joke waiting to happen.

Jareth: Don't even go there.

Hoggle: It's like "What happens when you get Jareth's crystal balls and combine them with his schitck!"

Jareth: Oh, god. You went there.

Hoggle: What're you going to do about it, you rock-talking-to fountain mullet-

Jareth: I'm the King of this entire world, Hoggle.

Hoggle: ...right...

Jareth: I could probably make a squirrel come out and eat you or something.

Hoggle: ..true...

Jareth: But, seeing how this is a children's movie, I'll just threaten you with a farting bog.

Hoggle: EEEEEEEK!

Jareth: Leave now, Hoggatruffleizationalmuttlecrackpipethelostgiggle.

Hoggle: ...wtf?

Jareth: ...I don't even know.

* * *

**Alright, that's it for the fourth chapter. I would make it longer, but the Firey scene I wrote is like.. half my material, so it's either one short update now and another next week, or a long update now and you all waiting another three months for the next one.**


	5. Don't Let Sarah Touch You

**Okay. What's my excuse this time? Well, combine all the others then add in 'school started up again', and you've just about got it. About a week ago I promised myself that if I get just one my comment, I would continue, so you can thank Gamegirl1390 for the winning comment, there. If she hadn't said something, this delay would probably have continued forever.**

**

* * *

**_Sarah, who is now complaining bitterly and pining over her lost friend, is once again confronted by alas! more perverted muppets. This time they'd like nothing more than to play hacky-sack with her pretty little over-makeupped head._

Sarah: Woe is me, for I have lost a dear, true friend!

Fiery: Hey, little girl, want some candy?

Sarah: What?

Firey: If you hang out with me, you'd be hanging out with a pimptastic playa fo' realz.

Firey 2: Fo' shizzle, homie.

Firey 3: She's one right snazzy biatch, g'.

Sarah: Ew! What's with all the creepy red monkey things?

Firey: We're here for the cheesy special effect dance sequence.

Firey 3: Fo' sho'.

Firey: Yes, and we'd also like your head, if you don't mind.

Sarah: I'm cool with the cheesy dance sequence, but I need my head to do useful things... like pout, and scream about life not being fair.

Firey 2: Please? I have a pyramid scheme going. I just need one more over-the-top angsty teen who'd just bargained her brother off to an evil Goblin King and I'm rollin' in cash, honey!

Sarah: Squeal! (runs)

Firey: Damnit, I just ate a piece of pie. Don't make me chase you!

Firey 2: I hate it when they run.

(Special effect dance sequence ensues)

Sarah: Good lord, this really is crap!

Firey: What can we say, it's the eighties and I don't think the budget for a muppet children's movie is very high.

Sarah: I suppose...

Firey 2: Hey, did you know that every single one of us was voiced by David Bowie during this song?

Sarah: No, seriously? That man can do anything, can't he?

Firey: Yeah, he's totally my idol. I think I'm gonna go sit on one of the rock formations shaped like him and write sonnets.

Firey 3: There are five, you know.

Firey: Oh, really? I've only found--

Sarah: Hey, I think we should return to the whole running around in special-effect chaos now.

Firey: True, true.

(more running and screaming and bad eighties effects, plus a song where David Bowie shows the world his true vocal talents.)

Hoggle: Hey, looky! A rope that is conveniently placed around the same general area that Sarah happens to be running towards.

Sarah: (scurries up the wall like a very pretty squirrel) Chitta chitta!

Firey 2: Fine. You've got too much rouge on anyways.

Firey: Yeah, you're like a 1930s showgirl or something.

Sarah: Hoggle!

Hoggle: What?

Sarah: You saved me! I could kiss you!

Hoggle: Please don't. When you touch people they tend to fall into mortal peril.

Sarah: Oh, please. (kisses hoggle)

(They both fall into mortal peril.)

Hoggle: I'm getting too old for this sh-

* * *

_Sarah and Hoggle suddenly find themselves in a very icky bog full of all the noises four-year-olds would find incredibly entertaining._

Sarah: Ew! Hoggle, couldn't you have waited until _after_ we were done being in mortal peril for you?

Hoggle: One; if I'm with you, there's never an _after_ mortal peril and, two; it's the Bog of Eternal Stench, O' Dim One.

Sarah: Oh.

Hoggle: Yeah, that's all we need to add to the integrity of this fan parody. Fart jokes.

Sarah: You just wait until we get to the ballroom scene. Now _that's_ gonna be some quality entertainment.

Hoggle: I can only imagine.

Ludo: 'Sup, guys!

Sarah: Hey, it's the furry beastie that I lost earlier!

Hoggle: You lost Chewbaka?

Sarah: Don't ask... Instead, let me draw your attention to yet another whimsicle muppet character.

Sir Didymus: Woofeth.

Sarah: Hey, he talks in Old English!

Sir Didymus: No I don'teth. I jutht hath a terrible lithp.

Sarah: A what?

Sir Didymus: A lithp.

Sarah: A what?

Hoggle and Ludo: A LISP, YOU TWIT.

Sarah: Oh. Well, you can be my new friend!

Hoggle (to Sir Didymus): Don't let her touch you. You might lose an eye or something.

Sarah: So, doggy. Would you like to come along with me on my adventure so save my brother from hard labor, and to save my own ass from being sold on eBay?

Sir Didymus: Thertainly! Let me retrieve my loyal thteed!

Hoggle: He says he'd getting his loyal steed.

Sarah: I got that! Geez, you all think I'm just the unsharpenedest crayon in the shed, don't you?

Ludo: ...wtf?

(Sir Didymus arrives with Ambrosious, his 'loyal steed')

Sarah: Dude... is that my dog?

Dog: Save. Me.

Sir Didymus: Thertainly not, madame!

Sarah: 'kay.

(Sarah steps onto the Bridge of Death... er.. sorry, wrong movie.)

Bridge: EEEK! I HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY THE UNHOLY ONE!

(Bridge falls to pieces.)

Sarah: Why do these things happen to me?

Ludo: Ludo to the rescuuuuue! (calls upon the rocks to save Sarah.)

Sarah: Wait. You can control rocks?

Ludo: Yes..

Sarah: Isn't the entire Labyrinth made of rocks?

Ludo: Yes...

Sarah: Anyone getting where I'm going here?

All: (blank stare)

Sarah: Whatever. ONWARD!

* * *

_Jareth, once again, is hangin' with his goblin posse, only this time he's being a bad influence on Sarah's brother with his creepy old man stalker ways._

Jareth: Goblin minions! I need popcorn! And a mirror, with which I can admire my prettiness in, then compare with Sarah's prettiness so that the eternal question of who is actually prettier may be answered!

Goblin: You know, there are times when you're just odd.

Toby: Yeah, dude. Chill.

Jareth: _Hello? _Popcorn? Mirror? MY PRETTINESS IS WAITING!

* * *

**Alright people, seeing how the next scene is the peach scene and the peach scene is connected to the ballroom scene, I'm stopping here for this update. I can't promise when the next installment will be (and, after all, would you even believe me?) but there's a weekend coming up and I'm pretty into this right now, so chances are you'll be getting one more update before a giant lag, during which I'll have to re-watch the movie again. Yes, it's my favorite movie, but I'm a lazy procrastinator and sometimes the thought of putting the DVD into the player is far too much for me to bear. Until we meet again, faithful readers, farewell!**


	6. This scene brought to you by LSD

**Okay. I have a LEGITIMATE REASON for not posting this one. It turns out, I lost the notebooks I'd written the fanfiction in, and I was putting off re-watching/re-writing it all for longer and longer.**

**Oh, and to answer your question, Tess Michaela Bowie, yes, I do think that he actually voiced all the Fireys, considering that on the Soundtrack Bowie's the only one listed for "vocals". He also made all the gurgle-noises that were supposed to be Toby for the Dance Magic song.**

**OH, GOD I'M SUCH A FANGIRL I SCARE MYSELF.**

**Moving on…**

* * *

_(Sarah and her Comrades In Chaos are wandering through the Forest of Glitter when suddenly a beast grumbles furiously! No, it's not an actual beast but, in fact is the rumbling hunger of their stomachs in the form of Last-Second Foreshadowing. Don't you just love that sort of foreshadowing that just JUMPS right out at you?)_

Ludo: I'm so hungry I could eat an entire village of peasants.

Sir Didymus: I'm so hungry I could eat my dog.

Dog: Hoshit.

Sarah: I'm so hungry I could eat a drug-laced, hallucinogenic peach!

Hoggle: I'm not hungry, for I just had a heeping spoonfull of GUILT shoved down my throat.

Sarah: What was that, Hoggle?

Hoggle: Nothing! Hey, you want this hallucinogenic peach?

Sarah: Do I ever!

Hoggle: (guilt. guilt. guilt.)

_(Sarah eats peach and has some wicked awesome trip. Like, seriously, there's no ramifications of this, children. You can TOTALLY eat drug-laced fruit and not have ANY bad things happen to you - and you can dance with David Bowie!)_

Sarah: Woo! Raaaave!

_(Sarah is transported to a fun, bubbly ballroom. This scene is supposed to symbolize the loss of childhood fantasies and innocence, but for most of the women and some of the men in the audience it's just a songasmic scene that we probably feel was stolen directly from our fangirlish daydreams about David Bowie singing and dancing with us while wearing a sparkly blue tux. Oh, is that just me? Right. Carry on.)_

Jareth: (to goblin-masked attendee) Hold that mirror up a bit more, darling - I can hardly see my prettiness! Oh, there we go! Who's a pretty goblin king? I'm a pr- Oh. Right. Hallucination time - cue trippy music!

Sarah: God, this rave is lame. Where are the glowsticks, damnit!?

Jareth: Care to dance?

Sarah: Hey, if I can't have glowsticks, I might as well dance with David Bowie.

Jareth: I bet our children would look faaahbulous.

Sarah: Oh, I'm - wait.. Are... are you wearing peach lipstick?!

Jareth: Maaaybee...

Sarah: You'd make a wonderful drag queen, you know.

Jareth: Oh, you're just saying that.

Sarah: No, really, it's true... Come to think of it, I think you just might be pr-

Goblin: Jaaaareth! We're out of punch! And the Not Really a Love Song is almost over!

Jareth: Damn you! She was about ot admit that I was prettier!

Sarah: Wait.. what do you mean 'not really a love song'? You don't love me?!

Jareth: No, of course I do! I don't put on a sparkly blue tux for just _anybody_, now do I?

Goblin: You did for me!

Jareth: Shh! You were just a phase!

Goblin: GaspNo!

Sarah: God, this is whack. And I want a GLOWSTICK, damnit! (hissyfit)

Jareth: No! I got that clock from Pottery Barn! Now I'll never get my deposit back!

Sarah: The effects in this movie really /are/ crap.

Jareth: You know, in hindsight I guess if I wanted to trap her in here and make her lose track of time in the real world, I shouldn't have included a big ol' clock in the decorations... whatever. ALRIGHT MINIONS, GET THIS BALLROOM CLEANED UP! I rented it out for a wedding at 4:30...

* * *

_(Meanwhile, Sarah if floating down the Tunnel of Bad 80's Sepcial Effects when she suddenly lands in her bedroom... well.. fake bedroom, really, but she's not quite bright enough to figure that out yet.)_

Sarah: Wow. It was all a dream? I don't even remember closing my eyes! ..Or, for that matter, opening them!

_(Realizes that her room is, in fact, a trash heap.)_

Sarah: God, this place is a dump! Am I gonna have to send that maid back to Cuba? Maid? MAAAAAAAID!?

_(Old crone muppet stumbles on screen.)_

Sarah: You're not my maid.

Junk Lady: Wow. Nice of you to notice something so quickly for a change.

Sarah: That won't stop me from trusting you entirely and not freaking out, despite the fact that, if this were reality and an old lady with a heap of trash on her back wandered from my Bedroom/Garbage Can I'd be squawking and screeching like nobody's business. Instead, I'll placidly allow you to shove things into my arms and ponder everything that's happened in the last couple of hours.

Junk Lady: Go for it.

Sarah: ...I've arrived to the conclusion that I don't, in fact, want to sit in my bedroom for the rest of eternity.

Junk Lady: Damn. Do you know how _lonely _it gets here?! Pleeeease staaaay?

Sarah: Nah. I'm got a baby that I endangered to.. un-endanger.

_(Sarah hissyfits again, and this time her room explodes into... more garbage. A valley of garbage, in fact. Lots and lots of garbage... And a worm crawls out of her LSD Peach.)_

Worm: Freeeedooooom!!!

Sarah (and the audience): Ewbarfgagwormpeach!

Sarah: You know, making that hallucination only involve my bedroom was a really stupid idea, Jareth. How long did you think I'd go without needing a glass of water or a refill of angst? After all, I can only be angsty when my family is around... because I blame them for everything.

Jareth: Damn... well, that's one more half-hearted attempt down the drain. ONTO THE FINALE!

* * *

**Yeah, I know, this one sucked. Sorry. ):**


	7. The Ending Fangirls Love to Hate

**Yes, after lots and lots of waiting, it is here! The last, final, ending chapter of PARODYNTH! dun-dun dun DUUUH!**

**...yeah, just go ahead and read.**_

* * *

_

We're post-drug trip now and well on our way to not only the finale of the film, but the end of this parody as well. I'd just like to note for the parents out there that, despite the pretty obvious drugs-in-fruit given to a minor by (since Jareth ordered the delivery of the peach) a not-so-minor adult man scene, there have been no "drugs are bad" hints or references and, as far as the audience is concerned, the eating of hallucinogenic peaches just leads to a romantic dance with an iconic rock start in a frosted wig, a cheap falling effect, and heaps and heaps of garbage. Labyrinth is probably the worst children's movie ever as far as producing good behavior goes… but it's the best for producing David Bowie in tight pants! So I personally hold it in the highest regard… But I digress, so we'll move it along, alright?

_Last we left Sarah and her band of cuddly puppeteered cohorts, they were reuniting to face a big, looming metal plot device. It's enough to invoke the warm-fuzzies in anyone. Well, except Hoggle, who is still bogged down by lots and lots of weighty guilt. So much, in fact, that he launches himself from a very tall wall._

Hoggle: Oh, the guilt!

_But he inadvertently saves the day as he lands on the large, looming robot made from melted-down metal garbage cans! _

Hoggle: Damn, I can't even fall right, can I?

Sarah: Oh, Hoggle! My heeerrrooo!

Hoggle: Girl… pretty… must… be heroic… must earn… her affections.

Sarah: Pfft! Get real. You're a warty dwarf-gnome thing and I'm a pretty, beautiful, fabulous, magnificent, fantastic, splendiferous-

Hoggle: Alright, I get it!

_(The doors to the Goblin City open and Sarah & Co. look around a bit as Jareth pretends to be surprised that his super-lame robot guard was defeated in about ten seconds by a dwarf falling on its head.)_

Jareth: Curses! Yet another plan thwarted!

Goblin: Well, maybe if you'd stop taking "Beauty Breaks" halfway through planning sessions one of them would actually work…

Jareth: …I'm going to go fix my hair right now, but when I get back I'm going to think of a punishment for your blatant outspokenness.

Goblin: _Hello?_ Girl invading city?!

Jareth: _Hello?_ Split ends?

Goblin: …I don't even know why I bother anymore.

_Alright, Sarah and her friends are still looking around but I'd just like to take a moment and point out the phallic statues/fountain towards the right (viewer's right, that is) of the screen. It's at the beginning of scene 24 for those of you with the DVD. See them? Right? Okay, that is all…_

Sarah: This place is really quiet, so you know some serious finale shit is goin' down, and soon.

Goblin Army: And how!

Jareth: Despite the fact that I have no real reason to be in this scene, I'm going to punctuate the arbitrary action sequence with some FABulous reaction shots as if I actually care what's happening with my minions… I mean subjects… I mean, er… valued citizens.

Ludo: Raaarrrgg.

Sarah: You're right, Ludo! We should use your rock-calling skills to randomly bust stuff up without a care as to whether or not the innocent civilians of this town actually deserve having their homes destroyed!

Ludo: …I was just wondering if we could talk this through over a couple lattes, but I guess your plan's alright, too.

Sir Didymus: Wahahahaha!! I revel in the fight! I live for battle! I drink the blood of my slaughtered foes over cubed ice with a sprig of parsley! MWAHAHA! Destroy, destroy, DESTROY!!!

_(Sir Didymus foams at the mouth and falls over while Ludo calls on his rocky friends to, erm… destroy.)_

Goblin Citizen: No! My cottage! I'm not insured for Destruction by Stupid Girl!

Goblin Insurance Salesman: I told you! Did I not tell you? I tried telling all of you to get the full Destruction by Stupid Human and Friends Insurance Package, but did you listen? No! So _ha!_ on you!

Bottles of Milk: We're the director's trademark! Yaaay!

_Okay, I think that's pretty much all the fun stuff you're gonna get out of the goblin battle scene because, to tell you the truth, I think this is the most boring part of the film. Go figure. Let's just move on to the next scene, which is in Jareth's Bachelor Pad._

Sarah: Dang, this is like a Goblin Frat Party Gone Bad.

Ludo: Hey, look! A Chicken!

Hoggle: So where's the pretty boy, then?

Sarah: Dunno… You stay here while I check it out. I've got a date with destiny and he looks remarkably like David Bowie.

Jareth: (from a distant room) But he's not David Bowie! In no way is he David Robert Jones, born January 8, 1947, singer-slash-actor-slash-sexy pop icon!

Sarah: Yeah, yeah, I get it.

_Sarah then abandons her muppet friends and skips off to – what else? – another scene straight out of a stoner's daydream… Only this time it's with staircases, the defiance of gravity, and vertigo._

Jareth: Welcome, my pretty!

Sarah: What the hell? You get _another_ wardrobe change?

Jareth: Shh. This is a singing bit, you know.

Sarah: Hmm… That lustrous singing voice sounds oddly familiar… So much like the voice of a certain 'rock chameleon' who sang such memorable hits as 'Rebel, Rebel' and 'Let's Dance'…

Jareth: No, really… I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about… Really.

Sarah: Wow… In this place gravity doesn't seem to affect you… or your hair.

Jareth: You bet.

_Intermission while the _Parodynth! _Writer watches the 'Within You' sequence four consecutive times just to enjoy David Bowie's "low voice" and his fantastic emoting skills – which actually beat out the emoting skills exhibited by Sarah to her dog, as shown earlier… … Lah dee lah… Okay, intermission over._

Sarah: Is that a gold goat on your chest?

Jareth: Is that your brother about to get up-close-and-personal with the ground?

Sarah: What the – why am I the only one who can't go a-walkin' on the ceiling?

Jareth: Because I postponed my Beauty Break until _three-fourths _of the way through the planning session this time, so my latest plan is a bit more polished than the ones before it.

Sarah: Oh…

Toby: Looky, danger! I'm going to go fall into it now, kthx.

Sarah: Arg. That damn kid… Alright, I could either jump and risk falling to my death, get Toby, and save my soul from my Stepmother when I get home, or I could leave the kid, go home empty-handed and have my stepmother dig my heart out with sugar tongs… Hmm… Decisions, decisions… Oh well, I'm probably screwed either way.

_(Sarah jumps and lands in… well, first she falls through yet another poorly digitized sequence that just really looks like the previous falling sequences only with a different backdrop… Anyways, when she's done with all that she touches down in what appears to be Glaucoma Land, where everything's got that soft Soap Opera glow to it… Including Jareth, who is looking… frothy.)_

Sarah: What?! Goddamn, you get _another _costume change?

Jareth: Actually, I think this one was for you, but I just had to take it because I'm just a sucker for flowing gauze capes and frilly, feathery ruffles.

Sarah: Really?

Jareth: No. I've just got better people than you do… As well as lots of costume changes, I also get green M&M's in my dressing room, and you _know _what the story behind the green M&M's are, dontcha? Huh? Huh? Get what I'm sayin'?

Sarah: I'm going to pretend I didn't understand that euphemism, but I… do like M&M's!

Jareth: Hot, dawg! It's a date! Just look into this crystal ball of your dreams.

Sarah: Yay! The final Crystal Ball of the movie! Hey, are those the M&M's?

Jareth: Indeed they are… And, if you just refrain from saying those words you were meant to say, we can go enjoy these M&M's in my dressing room in just a little while.

Sarah: What words?

Jareth: You know, the words you always forget when you're emoting to your dog.

Sarah: Oh, you mean 'You have no power over me'?

Jareth: Yeah, that's - oh, shi-

_(The world goes less fuzzy and more... mundanely realistic as Sarah is transferred away from the sexy Goblin King and his green M&M's and is deposited back into her lame, lame life.)_

Sarah: Damnit! No! _I WANT THOSE M&M's!_

Toby: I'm baaaack!

Sarah: You ruined everything, you little wretch! I could be sharing a bowl of green M&M's with a rock star Goblin King if it wasn't for you!

Toby: Hey, I'm not the one who can't keep her mouth shut for five seconds, so don't blame me.

Hoggle: Why hallo thar!

Sarah: SQUEEEEAL! STALKERS! IN MY MIRROR!

Hoggle: No, we're here for the uplifting moral of the story!

Sir Didymus: And not to watch you undress!

Goblin: I'm here to watch you undress.

Fiery: Totally.

Sarah: Wait, you mean I did all that work, got groped by a tunnel full of hands with gangrene or something, sexually assaulted by rabid fire monkeys, insulted by an assortment of creepy mythical beings, and courted by the sexiest man on the planet, but since I said some lame foreshadowed lines all that boils down to is a moral about leaving behind one's childhood in order to grow up and become a responsible adult, which I have no intention of doing? So all I'm left with, really, is a bunch of perverted puppets, an ugly dwarf, a hangover from that damn PCP Peach, an Olde English fox-rat-dog thing, and a prerequisite 'loveable monster' character?

Hoggle: Yup.

Sarah: There better be a damn sequel to this thing where I change my mind and go marry Jareth.

Hoggle: Nope. There are some poorly received mangas and a plethora of fanfictions that you can live vicariously through, though.

Sarah: This freaking sucks. Worst. Ending. Ever. That's it, roll the credits – maybe a reprise of that song from the beginning of the film will make me feel better.

Jareth Owl: Wait! I must make a foreshadowing appearance despite the fact that moviegoers will never see me or my tight pants again!

……

Jareth Owl: …hoooot…

**THE END

* * *

Alrighty, that's it, everyone. It's been fun and I hope you enjoyed _Parodynth! _despite my neglect in updating. I might do something bigger (like a very sarcastic full-recap of Labyrinth) but it's unlikely, as that would require lots of writing by me and lots of reading by you, and you don't want that, do you? Until then, most of my brain power will be devoted to my more 'serious' Labyrinth fanfiction (yeah, that's right, I can be angsty, too!) so any re-hashing will have to wait until another very, very boring day.**

Goodbye, so long, and may Jareth haunt your dreams and entice you with crystal balls!


End file.
